Starting the new year in silence and starlight
How "live your truth" has changed its meaning in my mind.
When I was in high school, “Live your truth” had become a popular phrase. I’d laugh and don a nostril-y voice and mock, “Just live your truth,” as the solution to all mundane problems. Don’t want to do your homework? Just live your truth. Hate your parents? Live your truth. Want to avoid all responsibility and accountability for any of your actions, forever? Live. Your. Truth.
But the longer I live, the more I appreciate the idea of finding and following a “truth.”
I acknowledge, from countless instances of personal experience, that we often do have a deep-seated, inner truth. And that, often, we turn from it, pressured by others’ expectations or the constraints of our society. Worse yet, we imagine expectations that perhaps don’t even exist, and we conform to them.
We don’t want to disappoint people. We don’t want to cause hurt or harm or pain to ourselves or others. So, we waffle. Or, to be more specific, I waffle. I’ll be frozen in decision paralysis, uncertain of what path is “best” or “right” or “kind.” Really, what I should be asking is which path is most true.
Sometimes, we need harmony and ease. Dialogue and compromise can be an expression of our innermost truths. But, and this is what I struggle most with as a recovering people-pleaser, we often compromise unnecessarily. Personal integrity is a real human need, and we contort ourselves in all different shapes that undermine it, in the name of keeping the peace.
To really “follow your truth,” you need to peel back all of the constructed expectations you’ve layered around yourself. Martha Beck, my (and my mom’s) favorite life coach, and author of the books Finding your North Star, and Steering by Starlight, helped me learn how to shed some of these expectations.
When I first read Steering by Starlight, I was fresh out of college, in the midst of COVID-19, without a clear trajectory. One thing I did have was a boyfriend. A very kind fella who I loved, and didn’t want to cause pain.
SbS helped me probe my life. One question Beck asked was, if I knew with full certainty that both my partner and I would have all the love we ever needed, would I stay in the relationship? Well, I reckoned, no. I was staying in it because I didn’t want to hurt him, and perhaps I was a little frightened of being without love.
But why did I believe the end of a relationship had to be painful? Couldn’t there be a loving way to end, a mindful separation that honored all we had while moving consciously forward in our diverging paths?
“Every experience that’s part of your best destiny is beautiful to your soul,” Beck writes.
Unburdened by the thought that my innermost truth was going to cause pain, I was able to intentionally move forward with my life. And yes, the choices I made did necessitate hard conversations, and there was pain.
But I had a real need for integrity and self-expression, and it led me to end the relationship. Looking at our lives now, I see we’re both happier for it. And we’re both undeniably loved.
I’m constantly trying to shake off expectations both of myself and others. I’m somewhat okay at it. But to really surpass the cloaked layers of constructed expectations, I have to be alone. And quiet. And meditative.
By the time you’re reading this, I’ll be on my fourth day of the New Year’s vipassana retreat at the Southern Dharma Center, “Awakening To Our True Nature.” The middle of the week is the hardest to get through, so send me a little wish or prayer of well-being, so that I can stand the solitude of my passing thoughts.
If I could hug my past self, I would. Planning to do a vipassana in the U.S. was a great idea. It’ll be especially wonderful after the past month of moving up and down the east coast, rarely sleeping more than a few nights in the same place. I’ve been moving and moving and moving. I look forward to some stillness.
Vipassana is a form of Theravedic Buddhist meditation concentrating on the breath and allowing insights to arise from deep concentration. I can’t anticipate what insights may float down into my often-over-filled head. But I hope it will put me in touch, yet again, with my innermost truth. That it’ll inspire action taken from a space of faith, authenticity, and love.
The world is re-created in every instant of time, and this moment is always your life’s beginning. No matter how many years have been stolen from you by your own ignorance, by cruel fate, or by the acts of others, you have a clean, broad slate before you. In this instant—this one now—you can begin steering by starlight, and if you do, the rest of creation will conspire to guide, teach, and help you.
—Martha Beck, Steering by Starlight
I do already have some insights into my innermost self, before entering Vipassana. I want to watch spring rise from the valleys of these Smoky Mountains; watch the fiddlehead ferns unfurl by the mountain laurel that’ll bloom weeks later. I want to engage again in meaningful work, supporting and loving those who struggle with mental illnesses, disabilities, and addiction. I want to nest in a home of my own and connect with my community.
Which is to say, I won’t be returning to Thailand. As blissful an experience as it was, my heart is compelled to stay put. To root here, in the land I was born. To give back to the land I come from, to appreciate the family web I’ve been blessed with.
I told one of my cousins earlier this week, “I can’t say much. But know I’ll be there on the best day of your life, and the worst.” I know I have allies at every point. It’s rare to have a network of support as I have found in my family and my closest friends. I’ll be grateful for that, forever.
I learned so much from my time in Thailand, and intend to return again. But for now, I feel I’ll find greater meaning in my little ol’ Appalachian life.
I wish you all a happy new year. Thank you for reading along with me as I move through life and process its ups and downs. Your support means the world to me and empowers me to speak (and live) my truth. Let’s all hope to step into our true nature in 2023.
And if you’re interested in exploring more of Beck’s writing, she released a new book, “The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self” in 2021. I’ve yet to read it, but I have no doubt that, if your ears prick up at the sound of it, you’ll find some great meaning in her writing. I know I have.
I hope our paths cross in 2023. Meanwhile, you live in my heart.